Get Back On The Scene
- Enjoy Life Again
Divorce rates are higher than ever. In the USA it is estimated that 50% of marriages will now end in divorce.
While this statistic may seem like a sad reflection on modern relationships, every cloud has a silver lining i.e. If you do find yourself single in middle age you are far from alone. With this in mind here are ten top tips for getting back into single life after a divorce.
1. Don’t try too hard to move on: There seems to be a lot of pressure on people to “move on” and “let go” in an increasingly speedy fashion these days. Divorce can be a minefield of emotion and it is wise to let your wounds heal so you can inspect them and learn from them. There is no set time period for this as everyone is different. When you meet a new person and you don’t feel the need to instantly discuss your divorce, you are probably ready.
2. Get a new routine: Doing things you used to do with your ex and going to places you used to go with your ex will get you nowhere. These places and activities will have emotional baggage and are likely to make you feel ‘divorced’ as opposed to ‘single’. There is also the chance of bumping into your ex, which opens a whole other can of worms, so…
3. Keep meetings with your ex practical: Moving on requires time out from the heated emotions of your previous relationship. Meeting your ex in a neutral venue to discuss things such as the kids or divorce settlements is best.
4. Finding a new group of people: Close friends will ask about the divorce, forcing you to talk about it in new company, this is fine if you want to do a bit of bitching about your ex (and honestly, who doesn’t sometimes?) but it won’t help when it comes to finding a new partner. Try starting an evening class at your local college or taking up a new sport. Strangers will feel impolite delving into your relationship history and if any of them are “date-worthy” you can start with a clean slate.
5. Online dating: Some people still see a stigma attached to online dating, viewing it to be unnatural or desperate in some way, but these perceptions are largely out-dated. Internet dating sites offer a large pool of potential dates to choose from but it can be time consuming filtering through undesirables until you land a match. If you are new to online dating my recommendation would be try it, but don’t rely on it.
6. Remember, attitudes to age have changed: Don’t allow being middle aged to pigeon hole you. As with online dating, some people still see dating in middle age as something that “just isn’t done”. This is nonsense, of course, and nobody should feel their age should hinder them. We are always hearing that cliché “40 is the new 30” so it makes sense that “50 is the new 40”, “60 is the new 50” and so on… In middle age you are surer of who you are, what you want and what you like. In many ways this is better preparation for dating than you ever had in your teens and twenties.
7. Don’t seem bitter about your ex: You might be bitter, and quite rightly, but don’t tear your ex to shreds in front of a new date. Your date wants you to be interested in them not the one that hurt you. Discuss the divorce, sure, but don’t wallow in it.
8. Don’t date someone like your ex: This is a common error made by the newly single. Someone similar to your ex may feel safe and comfortable but they will ultimately leave you unfulfilled. You can fill the gaps that caused the breakdown of your previous relationship by trying someone different.
9. Be assertive: Especially if you were not in your previous relationship. This is a chance to start a relationship on your terms. If your date asks you what you want – tell them. It is likely they will want something similar.
10. Enjoy single life: A long-term partner will come along eventually. Very few people have this sort of freedom in middle age so use it to your advantage.
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Kevin Ball is an Off-Page SEO executive for Search Laboratory, Leeds, England. He has a first class honours degree in Creative Writing from Manchester Metropolitan University and has written professional online content since graduation.
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